Adjusting To the Light

I still have a hard time when people say I look great, or compliment me.  I still for the most part see the 250 pound girl in the mirror, I know it’s not me and I don’t look like that anymore but I saw her for so long I haven’t adjusted to seeing the new me yet.   I remember thinking in the beginning I would hit my goal weight and think I looked great.  But being 5 pounds from my goal weight I can’t imagine I will lose those 5 pounds and my brain will have flipped a switch and I will think I look amazing.  I guess it’s a form of body dismorphic disorder, seeing something that isn’t there.  I equate it to something like driving in a long tunnel and then emerging into a sunny day, your eyes have to adjust you can’t see anything at first and then you see patches of what’s there and patches or white or black spots.

So now I am seeing patches if I concentrate on a specific body part like my shoulders and think about how they have changed, they have muscle now, about what they can do and how strong they are.  I can appreciate them.  I try now and look at my body like this and not as a whole where I can pick on myself.  When I do have a negative thought I try to listen to what I just thought say it out loud and think about how absurd it sounds.  I do this with my thighs I will look at them some times and think they are huge, and when I hear myself say this I think about the inches I have lost on my thighs and how can they be huge after all those inches, I think about what I would say to someone else if they said that about themselves, and I think about if I would want my daughter to hear that I have this self loathing thought and if I would want her to repeat that pattern and usually I can let that thought go knowing it was a passing thought and useless to me.

I have days that I think I look great or I look amazing its not all bad in my eyes.  A lot of times when I think this I am walking past a window or a mirror and catch a glimpse of myself fast not long enough for my brain to register it’s me.  I take a few steps back to see myself in the window or mirror and appreciate what I see I like those moments I like having this small window of seeing what I really have become, it gives me hope that the window will get bigger and some day most of the time I will get to see the girl I have become instead of the girl I was looking back at me.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. alifechangingjourney
    Apr 01, 2011 @ 12:46:08

    When I look down and see myself with my eyes I still see me at 270. Hard to imagine that after all this work I still can’t see myself physically at 155. I’ve realized that looking at myself in a reflection (like a window or mirror) I’m seeing myself the way other people see me and my brain can actually register the weight loss. People tell me this is really common. So if you see me standing in front of a window for long periods of time, you’ll know why lol.

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    • rissamama3
      Apr 01, 2011 @ 12:59:36

      I used to do this on my way into work, they had these windowed offices when you walk to the front door and I would stop and walk back to really absorb what I see, and there would be people in the offices but I needed to see me for me.

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