Helpless and Numb

I feel numb… yesterday I was having a good day, I was being productive at work and getting back on track with my eating and then BAM. The phone rings and I hear it’s the police; we were called to your house for an incident between your son and his home health aide. He attacked her and bit her. I raced home to meet the police who were afraid if they left the home health aides safety would be in jeopardy. So I met the officer and spoke with him about the details and Z was non cooperative with the officer but did calm down. Once calm the police don’t feel a trip to the hospital for an evaluation is needed.

I was adrenaline pumped yesterday dealing with this and didn’t really have to deal with the feelings of it. Today how ever is a completely different story. I am a go at it hard type of girl, I think that is one of the toughest parts of dealing with mental illness there is no angle to just attack it because there is no tangible it. And there is no one answer. I will be meeting with his therapist tomorrow to see what action we take from here. So today is the lull the time between the incident and the treatment plan. We sit in limbo which gives me time to feel the feelings if you will. I feel helpless, and alone, and like I am flailing and failing. I want desperately to make this go away for him, for me, for my family. Because there are other kids in the house other kids this affects. When Z losses control the baby witnesses it, my daughter has bore the brunt of it in the past. I feel like I am failing him and them as a mother, it’s my job to protect them. And I can’t do that when the threat is in the home.

I desperately want to eat to comfort myself, I know this isn’t the right answer and I am doing what I can to keep it to a minimum. I just don’t know what to do with myself today, or what I should be doing. I feel numb

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